Deceived
by tiff098765
Summary: Kate has been deceiving herself. These are stand-alone stories of different times she realizes the truth.
1. The Others

Many times in Kate's life, she has deceived herself. Then the truth comes to light.

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><p>MONKEY<p>

Castle wanted to snoop into her mother's death. Will wanted to take her away from it.

"You could come with me."

They ended the last time because of his transfer. She was torn up. She had loved him, but it only took a day in his presence to be tempted to give him another chance.

She only offered a token resistance when he kissed her – at a crime scene no less – a resistance that ended the moment the kiss began. Castle interrupted and acted like it wasn't a big deal.

"Want me to keep an eye on Writer Monkey?"

"Monkey stays with me." She tells herself it's only because he's proved useful, not because she wants him there or because she doesn't want him questioning Will.

Will was shot. Because someone followed her and Castle to the meet. She says she's not as over Will as she'd thought. Maybe she could follow him this go-round.

Then Castle tells her what he found. There were three others killed the same time period as her mother. In the same way. All connected to her.

She can't leave this city. Where her mother is buried. Where her father lives. Where her work is. Where Writer Monkey is. Where they can work this case together... after he apologizes. Will didn't even have a chance.

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><p>SINGLE WHITE FEMALE<p>

It was exciting and flattering to have this celebrity shadow her. It became even more fun when she realized that Castle thought it was a bad idea. But when Natalie Rhodes dressed like her, it was creepy. Then the hair. God, if she'd been an outside observer, the look on Castle's face would have been hilarious. At least Esposito had the decency to nickname Natalie "Creepy Beckett."

Still wigging out, but alone, she said, "What's next, she'll steal my boyfriend then try to kill me in my sleep?"

She mulled over that choice of words. It was just a movie reference. It had nothing to do with the fact that Natalie seemed to be flirting with Castle.

Then, minutes later, when she saw her kissing Castle in the elevator, she silently screamed at her green-eyed monster that she was not jealous; she was just angry that Castle was being a man-whore in the precinct and it was inappropriate. She was _not_ jealous.

The next morning, Natalie said he turned her down. Relief overwhelmed Kate. "He said _'No'_?" She was amazed. And the jealousy was replaced by affection. Yeah, maybe she had been jealous after all.

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><p>OLD FRIENDS KNOW YOU BEST<p>

Uniforms could bring her in for questioning. But she's got to do it, because they were friends. And it has to be in an interrogation room, not a restaurant.

It has nothing to do with Castle being on a date with her.

Maddie goes off on her, not as a suspect, but as a friend fighting over a boy. They use nicknames. She's accused of being "hot for Castle" and wanting to make "little Castle babies." Then comes the real question: "Why couldn't you just be honest?"

She just says, "He can hear us." _Us. Not you. _Even though she didn't say a single word, her lack of denial is very much a part of the conversation. And he heard.

She thought he'd be enough of a gentleman to not bring it up. Wrong.

"I heard… everything."

She tried to ignore it and hoped he didn't notice her stutter. She saw him force his proud and almost predatory look to fade.

All day she pushed away thoughts of making little Castle babies. She kept telling herself that Maddie was mistaken. She really liked Tom.

Her dreams that night proved her wrong.

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><p><em>Please review. I'm addicted to them. They're addictive like cream cheese icing. No cake required.<em>


	2. Talking

TALKING

"You have no idea." She added a little extra sway to her strut as she walked away.

She'd refrained from responding to any of his flirts through the whole case. If she didn't flirt back, she had plausibile deniability. No one would ever know of her crush.

With the case over, she'd get the last word. She'd never see him again, so it was finally safe to suggest that he would really enjoy being with her.

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><p>"You want to talk about it?" Lanie asked.<p>

She pursed her lips and looked everywhere but at her best friend. "No."

"All right. You keep bottling that stuff up, and you're gonna get an ulcer."

She told herself that Lanie was wrong. It was better for everyone if she didn't breathe a word to anyone about her feelings for Richard Castle. If she didn't acknowledge them, they didn't exist.

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><p>The searing kiss. It was imprinted on her mind. She got lost in it for a half-second. She lost awareness that the guard was approaching. Just for a half-second. But every millisecond replayed in her dreams and when she caught him watching her lips move as she spoke. If she didn't ask him if he meant it, he couldn't say that it was just to sell the drunken couple act. If they didn't talk about it, he couldn't say it was real. If she never asked, she'd never have to deal with it.<p>

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><p>She was conscious but freezing. He wasn't awake yet. Josh was on his way. The medics said that he was still unconscious because he was wrapped around her, shielding her, trying to keep her warm. He was bigger, but he was more exposed. She couldn't let Josh hold her; she made him tend to Castle. It wouldn't be okay if he didn't wake up. She wouldn't be okay. She wrapped herself in blankets and waited. Did she really almost tell Castle how much she loved him? Almost, but not quite. If questioned, she could say she was delirious from her brain becoming a popsicle. Or that she was about to just say how much she liked having him around. She was immediately thankful that she hadn't been able to complete the word "love." Because her big hero of a boyfriend has there. He wasn't off saving Haiti, he was saving Castle. He deserved a chance. She could tell that to Castle when he woke up, and never mention that she wished the doctor who showed up had been a stranger, that Josh had gone to Haiti, and that she'd rather be warming up in front of Castle's fireplace, curled up in Rick's arms. She'd smile and she'd fake it and she'd never tell.<p>

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><p>"I don't know what we are. We kiss, and we never talk about it. We nearly die, frozen in each other's arms, and we never talk about it!" She had hoped to keep it that way. It was safer.<p>

"You hide in nowhere relationships with men you don't love." So they couldn't rip her heart out.

"You're afraid." _No shit._

If she talks about it, it's real. All of it. She loves him. He just about said he loves her. He definitely implied it. He can't be ripped away like her mother was. He can't leave her like Will did.

"You know what we are? We are over. Now get out." _Fight for me. Make it worth the risk. Make me say it, because I'm not strong enough to admit it. Find me inside my fear. Or leave me the hell alone so I never have to admit any of it_.

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><p>Her last thought before she blacks out, looking into his eyes that match the sky behind him, is that she should have said all of it.<p>

x

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><p>AN: _Please review. They're addictive like the pictures on People of Walmart... the funny ones, not the ones that make you wanna puke._


	3. Priorities

PRIORITY

As an intelligent six-year-old, Katie had already figured out who to ask in order to get what she wanted. Usually that would be her daddy. Wrapped around her little finger since her birth, he was rarely one to deny her anything. Occasionally, especially if it was something practical, her mommy would give her what she wanted, too. Mommy, however, expected something in return – a hand with the dishes or help with wiping down the counters after dinner was the usual price. Her mother was always fair, while her daddy was usually emotional. She never lacked for anything she needed, and never questioned either parent's love.

By fourteen, the sweet little headstrong girl had been replaced by a smart-mouthed self-absorbed alien. At least, that was the reasoning her uncle gave her dad. That at thirteen or fourteen, kids are abducted by aliens, replaced with an obnoxious duplicate, and returned as normal people at around 22 years old. From what he was witnessing, Jim was sure his older brother was right. There was no way this could be his kid.

She knew what buttons to push to provoke a reaction. She knew that they'd both tell her no. They were being unfair, awful, evil, controlling monsters who were too old to have a clue how things worked anymore. So she used all her powers to manipulate their response. She pushed all of her father's buttons – she was an expert by then – and provoked a completely overboard response. His punishment was too much, but she'd known it was going to be. It was part of the plan. Her mother would see it. She would want fairness. Justice. She would right her father's wrong. Her mother would unwittingly give her exactly what she wanted.

Except she didn't. Her mother was an extremely practical and intelligent woman. She loved her baby girl, even though she was being a twirp. She didn't recognize the manipulation for what it was, but even still, she did not step in and "fix" it.

She complained to her mom how unfair it was, how unjust Dad was being. Yet Johanna sat her down on her bed and told her something that made her even more indignant. "Sweetheart, it doesn't matter how I feel or how you feel about it. You were wrong. You received a consequence. I'm not going to change what he said." And then she left.

Appalled at the outcome, she figured she must have chosen the wrong parent. So two weeks later, she tried it again; this time angering her mom then appealing to her daddy for fairness. She even used her puppy eyes and poked out her bottom lip.

Her dad stayed in his favorite chair, hating that he had to do it, and told her he was backing up her mom on this.

She begged and pleaded, and yelled that he said he loved her more than anything, and obviously he was lying. Because if that was true, he'd make it right. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and answered, "Sweetie, I do love you more than you can imagine. And I love your mother, too. Life isn't fair, actions aren't always met by equal reactions. You have to learn to accept that. I'm backing your mother, because she loves you and has your best interest at heart. You'll be on your own in about four years. I've chosen to live the rest of my life with her. My relationship with her is my first priority. And she's the same way. That's why she backed me up a couple of weeks ago, even though she disagreed with me. In the long run, that priority is the best for you, too. You've got to suck it up and deal with it. If you don't like our punishments, then you should focus your energy in behaving in a way that doesn't require them."

She promised herself right then & there that if she was ever a parent, or aunt, or even babysitter, that she would never ever do anything that would make the kid feel as bad and unloved as she did right then. That her kids would be happy. That they would get what they wanted.

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><p>Alexis was confused, scared, and angry. She'd know about the bomb scare. She'd seen her dad come home with bandages and contusions. She'd happily welcomed Detective Beckett into her home when a madman blew up her apartment. She knew that they'd had to listen to the shootout that took the Captain's life. She knew there was inherent danger in what her father chose to do every day. But he was strong. He'd learned a lot while he was writing Derrick Storm, and she knew he could handle himself. Plus Detective Beckett was the most capable, well armed woman she'd ever known. That coupled with how much Kate appeared to care for her dad made Alexis okay with him being in harm's way all the time.<p>

That changed when she watched that bullet rip into Kate. And her dad dove for her, not knowing if a second shot was coming. She hated to see Kate almost die. She hated just as much that her dad could have been hit, too. She could have watched him die. It was more than she could handle.

So she begged him to quit. It wasn't worth it. It was too dangerous. He couldn't do this to her. He said she'd have to understand; he wasn't leaving Kate.

So she went to Kate and appealed to her in much the same fashion. "If you care about him at all, you'll tell him to stay away. If you care about me at all, you will not risk me losing my only real parent. Please, Kate."

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><p>Kate knew Alexis was right. He was at risk being at her side. He was jeopardizing his relationship with his daughter. He was choosing her over Alexis. And she knew that it was a horrible choice to have to make.<p>

But she couldn't do it. As much as she loved and wanted to protect Alexis, the girl would have to accept that her father had made his decision. And, even though she hadn't even told him yet, she had made hers.

She remembered that day with her father, promising that she would always choose the child's interests. And right then, she knew that she'd been wrong. She chose Rick. He's the one whose heart she would make the highest priority. Because she chose to live the rest of her life with him. If only they could both manage to stay alive.

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><p><em>AN: Please review! They're addictive like homemade biscotti & hazelnut cappucino on a chilly morning._


	4. Brown Chicken Brown Cow

BROWN CHICKEN BROWN COW

Some of her high school friends were already doing it. Her mother, ever the pragmatist, didn't give her the typical talk. The Talk wasn't about purity or saving yourself or morality or religion. It was practical. Scientific.

It was simply about how when you experience a very emotional event – good or bad – images imprint on your mind. She explained about endorphins and all that. She said that connected images swirl into mingled memories. The good time and the bad break up would be remembered together.

Kate halfway listened and exaggerated her boredom. She knew her mother was always honest with her, but that sometimes would leave out information that she didn't think Katie should hear.

So Kate believed her friends and her hormones over her mother. Her parents were too old to remember how powerful the instinctive pull was, anyway.

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><p>Over time and through relationships, she began to see some of the truth in The Talk.<p>

When she tried something with a new boyfriend, how well (or how badly) the last boyfriend did it was remembered. When a guy would say or do something sweet, she'd think of the last guy who had done that then gone and proved himself to just be using her.

After Johanna was killed, it got worse. She didn't have anyone to ask the hard questions. Her friends who had been in True Love Waits only held out six months longer than the rest of the college girls. She knew almost no one who wasn't having sex. It was normal.

And it was a good time, usually. It felt good, it was fun, it was a release. So why did it make her question herself, her value to these men, and make her feel like she was missing out on something more?

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><p>The answer came to her during her first night in Richard Castle's bed, with him lovingly holding her in his sleep. Even then, she questioned if they would last. If they would blow up. If the memory of this night would become her most painful, because of the magnitude of what she had lost. Sex wasn't supposed to be so scary. No matter how much they loved each other, this act would always be coupled with fear of rejection if she didn't make the commitment her mother said was supposed to go along with it.<p>

She knew her mother was right, after all. That's a lot easier to admit to in your early 30's than in your early 20's.

She nuzzled his neck and kissed his jaw. She trailed kisses across his chest until he began responding and pulled her up to kiss her. When their lips parted, she moved back only enough to look in his eyes.

"Rick," she whispered, "we're finally here." His eyes smiled. "But it's not enough."

His face registered fear first, that she was ending them before they really even started. But her smile and the look in her eyes, searching and waiting for him to understand, made him realize that she meant she wanted more. With him.

He weighed the thousand different responses racing through his mind and settled on one. "Of course it's not. I never said it was."

The sex that night was amazing. The promises he made her were even better. And she knew that one day soon, this night would pale in comparison to when the commitment was finally made in front of everybody, and there would be no more room for doubt.

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><p>It turned out, she was the one who had no idea. They now wore matching bands on their left ring fingers; both inscribed with the same word.<p>

No doubt. No fear. No risk of rejection. Only forever.

Sure, she knew the divorce statistics, but she refused to become one of them. This was it. She was done.

And she was right about it making the sex even better.

One thing she wished that her mother had been wrong about, though, was the endorphine-induced memories. If only she had no memories of being with other men. That his body had been the only one she had memories of. That ideas of what she wanted and enjoyed didn't come to mind with the face of another man attached and the memory of their downfall.

Time would eventually create more memories of Rick's lips, Rick's hands, Rick's body, so that it would eventually be easy to only have him come to mind. If only she didn't have to wait for that.

She smiled at his sleeping naked form, and wished she had listened to her mother.

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><p><em>AN: I though I was done at Ch.3. But no. As always, please feed my addiction to reviews. They're addictive like... hmmm. Since all my thoughts are now sex-related, I can't finish that sentence!_


	5. Grand Gestures

SPOILERS FOR HEAT RISES AND "RISE."

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><p>GRAND GESTURES<p>

Richard Castle was a firm believer in grand gestures. He didn't buy the team coffee, he bought the division a high-falootin' espresso machine. He didn't take the guys out for a beer, he bought a bar and put their names on a list of people who drank for free. He didn't do simple proposals, he did hot air balloon ride proposals. When he wanted to do something important, he did it big.

When Kate woke up in the ICU with a very vivid memory of a burning punch in the chest knocking her to the ground, the shot of the rifle still echoing, and Richard Castle begging her to stay with him because he loved her… she didn't know what to do with that. It was big, but was it real?

Her handsome boyfriend was almost instantly at her side, and she wondered aloud where her partner was. Josh reluctantly asked a nurse to call Castle after Kate had asked for him six times.

She answered Josh's medical questions, played down how much pain she was in, visited with her father (who hadn't left at all), and accepted what comfort Josh and her father could provide to her morphine-hazed confusion.

Then he finally came in. Dressed sharp, carrying flowers, he looked at Josh with an expression she would have understood if she wasn't on pain-killers. She didn't see his fear (or was it insecurity?) when Josh brushed past him, she only saw the man who she was pretty sure admitted to loving her while she was bleeding out in his arms.

"Heeey, Castle." Still a little loopy, but trying to keep it together.

He made a joke that made her smile, and she just had to know if what she remembered was real.

"They said you tried to save me."

He stuttered and stammered, she studied his face to try and decipher his emotions. Was that disappointment?

She couldn't tell. The fog of the drugs stole her confidence in her memory. What if he hadn't said it? She said it was better to forget something, then studied him again. He looked upset, but he agreed with her.

And that hurt. He agreed that it was better to forget. She didn't realize until that second that she was _expecting_ a grand gesture. A declaration of love in true Castle form. Something along the lines of _I almost lost you, and I can't risk that again. I love you, so very much, Kate. And I'll do anything to make you mine._ Had he said that, it would have all been so easy.

But he didn't. He agreed that she should forget it. The pain in her heart ripped through the morphine. So she dismissed him. She thought it would only be for a day or two.

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><p>Her father brewed a pot of coffee. The cabin smelled of cedar and flowers and clean air and sounded of crickets and birds and life. She gratefully accepted the cup he'd made for her by smiling but saying, "I could have gotten it myself."<p>

The ceramic warmed her fingers and she thought of the countless cups of coffee brought to her by the only other man who can make it just right.

"Of course you could, Katie, but can't you just let somebody love on you?" She flinched. Her father was referring to himself, but it had never really connected for her that the coffee was a little tiny every morning gesture of love. The rare occasion that Castle didn't walk in with two coffees in hand always threw her through a loop. And that one time that Natalie Rhodes took her coffee from Castle… she saw red. She wouldn't admit to herself then that it was the same as seeing that woman kiss him.

Coffee. Not a grand gesture at all. But a constant one. And his chivalry. And how he picked up food for her. And how he always had her back. Every day.

"_Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate." _It played in her head too often. It echoed both in her sweet dreams and her nightmares.

Maybe he didn't want her to forget. Maybe that's what his small gestures were saying all along.

Her phone rang and broke her from her thoughts. It was Josh, saying he was going in for an early shift, so he'd be able to make it out to visit her. He'd been great, checking up on her, trying to take care of her. She really liked him. Another night was spent together, acting like things between them were enough, but they barely talked. She acted like everything was fine and avoided most of his questions, asking instead about his work. She finally said she was tired and went to bed. Like always, he drove back to the city.

She wondered how Rick would have handled the visit. Would he have stayed over, just to make sure she didn't have another nightmare? To make her coffee in the morning? To encourage her to talk? What had she missed out on by not calling him back?

At the end of the next visit of non-conversation, she struggled to do it, but broke up with Josh. She couldn't stay with him when he wasn't the one she wondered about and dreamt about. Even if nothing ever came to fruition with Rick, it wasn't fair to anyone for her to stay when her heart wasn't in it.

Lanie called mid-week, saying she'd picked up her mail and would be bringing it with her on her next visit, as usual. But there was a package from Black Pawn, which was surely the bulky advance copy of the book Castle finished only a couple of weeks ago. Kate's heart sped up. She ached for his words. To read them. To hear them.

But she didn't know what to do with them if he said those words again… she was so broken, she was sure she would break him, too.

Lanie asked if it was okay for her to read it, since their visit was still four days away.

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><p>When her best friend let herself into the cabin, calling out a "Hello!" to whoever could hear her, Kate was curled up on the couch, just thinking. Her mind was a dangerous place to be. She had four weeks left on her leave. Her dad was in-and-out since she insisted she was okay enough for him to go to work. Josh and Lanie were the only visitors, and she'd spoken to Espo and Ryan once each over the phone. The crickets and birds had lost their charm. That "Hello!" was a godsend.<p>

Lanie sat the stack of mail on the counter, brought the book over to the coffee table, and hugged Kate. "You're looking better. You feel better?"

"I broke up with Josh."

Lanie only nodded. When it was obvious Kate wasn't going to say more, she softly asked, "Why?"

She waited before she answered. "I'm tired. What's the point of being in something if you can't be all in? It just wasn't enough."

Lanie understood and eyed the book.

"How was the book?"

"Great. Best Nikki book yet. I can tell where he added in plot points and made changes this summer. Looks like it's got a totally different ending than he had planned."

They didn't know what the ending was supposed to be, but since he based the story on their real experiences, he must have had the Captain die in the book, too. All she sudden, she wasn't looking so forward to reading it.

"Sweet dedication, though."

Kate flipped the cover open and found it. It was a lovely gesture. Evelyn Montgomery would appreciate it.

Lanie stayed the night and all the next day. The book didn't move from the coffee table. Lanie asked at one point, while talking about funny things Ryan and Esposito did, "If someone were to say something about songs making sense, would you understand what they meant?"

"Yeah. Who said that?"

"What's it mean?"

Kate hesitated. "Did Javier say it to you?"

That confirmed Lanie's understanding of what it had to mean. _Love. _She grinned, "Nevermind."

Loading her bag back into her car, Lanie hugged Kate warmly. "Now, go settle in with a cup of coffee, and read that book. When you're ready to talk to me about it, call me."

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><p>Nikki didn't understand how committed Rook was to her, and almost went to another man. Rook made her understand. Then he took a bullet for her. And the book ended with Rook being touch-and-go.<p>

She'd read nearly half of the book that night, stopping after Montgomery – no, Montrose – died. She was too tired to read any further, and the emotions were too overwhelming. He'd used phrases like "It felt like the Real Deal," and he'd apologized for leaving, not calling, and showing up with a blonde on his arm. He'd pulled in enough of their real story to fill her eyes with tears while she tried to sleep.

She finished the book the next day. Rubbing her hands over her face, she pondered everything Rook did for Nikki, all the small and grand gestures alike, to show her how much she meant to him. Only to end up taking the bullet meant for her – on purpose! – and giving himself an unknown future. She wondered about Rook's future. He'd finished the book almost three weeks before – would Rook die if Kate chose Josh? Would he fully recover if she chose Castle? Her not calling, him not knowing where he stood… it was killing him. Killing him so much that it's how he ended the book.

How could she be so blind? On paper, it's so obvious. How could she let herself not acknowledge everything between them? She beat herself about it, reviewing all the sweet things Rick did for her all the time, before she moved on to the acknowledgements.

And there it is again. To Kate, I love you. Except in their own language. Because of her, he can make sense of songs.

So even if she always maintained that she didn't remember that day, it wouldn't matter. It was right here, in print.

His grand gesture. The acknowledgement. The book. And all the small gestures along the way proved it to be true.

She didn't call Lanie. Three weeks, she tried to figure out how to make herself heal enough to believe that she should be loved, that she wasn't too broken. But she'd failed. So, without a call to anyone but her father, she went back to work a week early.

One step at a time. Baby steps. She'd come back to life. First work. Then Rick. She still didn't know what to tell Lanie.

She needed to make a grand gesture for Rick first. She needed to humble herself, and let him know that she isn't going to act like she has an all-access pass to him anymore. She'd show him how important he is. She wouldn't act like she didn't care, because she always had. She wouldn't string him along, she'd let him know she's trying to heal, then she'll be ready for the real deal.

She almost had a plan of how to do this. And everything would rest on how he reacted to her walking back into his life. She hoped she could make him understand.

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><p><em>AN: Please review. I'm addicted to them like laughing at a dog trying to lick peanut butter off the roof of its mouth._


	6. Need

NEED

He was an annoyance at first, one whose image and scent dallied in her mind even after the first time they met. His charm annoyed her; his assumption that she'd throw herself at him annoyed her; her intoxicated reaction to him annoyed her. She'd let herself feel it alone in her bathtub with his books, but nowhere else. At least, she tried not to.

She wanted him, and it annoyed her. Slowly, though, he became adorable and quirky instead of annoying. And her thoughts lingered on him even longer._ That_ still annoyed her. She finally caved into admitting to herself (and herself alone) that she wanted him.

She knew how his Adam's apple would bob when he swallowed. She knew how he leaned against the wall when he was confident. She knew how he shifted uncomfortably with his hands in his pockets when he was insecure.

She'd figured out when he was rambling just to be goofy and would cut him off before he distracted the team; and she knew when he was thinking and the story he was spinning didn't make sense but that it eventually it would. Gates called it throwing crap at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Kate was happy to finally have a chance to let Gates see the hole in their team without Castle there. The captain objected, "He's not a cop." And Kate smiled like she'd just been handed a gift, answering excitedly, "But that's what makes him _so good!"_ Her team needed him, and they all knew it. He wasn't just a tagalong anymore, not just a shadow, not just a sidekick. Her belief in that showed when the hostage negotiator asked, "Wait, we've got a cop in there?" and Kate said, "No, he's a civilian investigator," and she didn't give the man a chance to dismiss Castle as her partner. Investigator, not writer. The man heard her intel and trusted in her to know and trust her partner on the inside throughout the crisis. It only worked becaue of how connected they obviously were, even to the negotiator.

Letting him be such a great partner and best friend was enough. She told herself she didn't need more. She could be mostly alone and only lean on him sometimes. She didn't need him that much. She could hide her PTSD from her team and deal with it only with the Doctor. She kept telling herself not to tell Castle about how broken she was; she didn't want him to try to fix her; she didn't want to need him to help her heal. She could do it all on her own.

But, God, when that building blew, she died all over again. She _needed_ him to be alive. She _needed_ him. Because she needed _him._

"Tell me you need me." Her easy, relaxed smile fell from her face when he'd spoken those words that very morning. _Now? You want this conversation now? Over the phone? _She wasn't ready to admit the truth to him yet.

"Excuse me?" Anxiety pulsed through her, expecting him to ask her to be straight with him, to admit how much he means to her. It was only a second before he answered, and he cut off her spiral with his hope for a dead body to get him away from the bank.

A smile bloomed upon her face again, imagining him antsy and bored waiting for his mom to be finished with her errand. At times like this, it was easy to think of what he was like as a child, or what his son would end up being like.

She thought he was teasing about the suspicious people in scrubs, the thought of a little Ricky Jr. floating in her mind, until she heard the robber shouting for them to get on the floor.

She went into cop-mode, while her heart was screaming, "You can't have him! He's mine! I need him!" Words she was aware of but thought would never be able to let fall from her lips.

Everything she did that day was to save him. She didn't want any of the hostages to die, of course, but he'd better not. She really would storm the bank on her own and put a bullet in Trapper John's skull. She wasn't kidding.

Raw, she found him in the smoke. He'd said later that his ears were still ringing from the blast and he just barely heard her call his name. No one else in that vault mattered. She only needed to make sure he was whole. Their smiles said it all, and she knew she was his. She truly needed this man.

She knew she'd have to find a way to let her heart convince her head to let him help her, to let herself need him, to stop trying to handle it all on her own.

Because heart knowledge is _not_ the same thing as head knowledge, and she knew that she'd self-destruct if she couldn't allow herself need him.

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><p><em>AN: Please review! I'm addicted to them! They're like a really good massage that you weren't even expecting to get._


	7. Shield

Shield

x

She felt safe, for the first time on over two years. There was just something about putting on her new nearly-black uniform and attaching her shiny gold shield to her chest. It was more than a police badge, it was her protector. She would use this shield to protect herself and others.

It would give her access to her mother's case files, so she could solve the case and heal her broken heart. It would scare away cowardly men who would otherwise see her as a target or potential victim. It would give her license to demand a bartender stop serving her father.

Hooking her shield onto the spot where you place your hand "over your heart" during the pledge (even though she knows her heart isn't actually that far to the left) she smiled. Her shield would protect her.

* * *

><p>The badge was no longer shield-shaped when she moved up from being a uniformed officer to a plain-clothes detective. She no longer expected to find answers to her mother's death. But the gold badge still served the same purpose. She could protect people from behind it. She could find them justice. It made her strong. It gave her power. It made her extraordinary.<p>

She had friends who shared the same strengths and same power. Behind their badges, they were detectives, strong and intelligent. After hours, they were friends, true and loyal.

* * *

><p>Rick was intrigued by her because of her badge. Strong, fierce, brilliant as she was. And sexy, of course. She knew she commanded men's attention, even without her badge. But she loved it when the most important part of herself - the badge - could turn a man on. She didn't let him into her whole world, just the part at the precinct. That was the part of her he was allowed access to, and she chose to keep it that way. Her private life was private, and she didn't think he'd really be all that interested in the woman behind the badge, either. So she kept the relationship professional (as professional as she could) and pretended to be only about the badge. She kept it between them, trying to keep her heart shielded.<p>

* * *

><p>And then she got shot.<p>

In her pretty uniform.

With her shield right there on her chest.

With the man she loves professing his own love.

With more questions than answers about her mother's case.

Right there in front of all those other cops with guns and shields.

Turns out, that badge did absolutely nothing to shield her.

Huh. Imagine that.

* * *

><p>She had some serious crap in her head to deal with.<p>

Her failure to protect herself.

Her inability to back off when it got too dangerous.

A boyfriend that wasn't part of their work life - the most important part of her life.

The fact that she had to take medical leave from her work life.

Rick loves her.

She's a basket case.

Step One: Get her shield back. It's the only way she can feel safe again. She'll worry about everything else once she's back behind its protection. She'll be able to get back to her life and back in the groove of things. Once she's cleared for duty, everything else will come more easily.

She'll be okay once she is again a woman with a shield.

Right?

* * *

><p>Except it doesn't. As soon as she's back, she realizes that her expectation and her work and her shield aren't going to pull her back from all of her emotional trauma. So she goes back to the counselor. And she tries to open up to Rick. A little. And she almost loses him and thinks she's made progress - her shield made it possible for her to help save him in that bank. She feels like maybe she's ready to take the next step.<p>

* * *

><p>But then there's that woman on the sidewalk with a bullet wound that matches her own, who had been a woman in love and moving forward with her life before that sniper took it all away. Every car door slamming makes her flinch. Every glint off a building window makes her think of the sniper's scope, and she realizes she's not any better off now than she was on her first day of therapy. It could happen again. It could happen right now. A siren sounds loudly in her ear and she drops to the ground. She says she's fine.<p>

Rick doesn't know how to help her; she's not ready for him anyway. She just thought she was. She'd been fooling herself.

She tells them she's fine. But their worry is showing, even though they're trying to hide it. Espo covers for her when she goes overboard with the suspect, suggesting that she was just the 'bad cop' in the good cop/ bad cop routine. They all know it's a lie, but she doesn't want to hear it from any of them. Especially Castle. She walks off, hoping he doesn't follow, because she might lose it like she did when they fought in her apartment... but she's worse now, and she'd hurt him far more. She wants to be held and hugged, but she knows there's no way she'd let him actually do that for her. She'll hide behind her shield, behind her badge - something Castle doesn't have. She'll fix herself.

* * *

><p>There's no shield at home. Just a bottle. Maybe that'll help.<p>

Shit. Maybe not.

* * *

><p>A third victim - she lived. But her questions - <em>Why me? What did I do? -<em> they eat at Kate. Why? Where were the answers? Why couldn't she do this? Why couldn't they find who shot her? Why was she targeted when she didn't know anything? Why are they getting away with this?

She panics.

She runs.

Her badge and her gun can't help her.

She can't breathe.

She yanks off her jacket, throws off her badge, drops her weapon, and admits defeat.

Unguarded.

Exposed.

She can't beat this. She hasn't won. Her forward motion had been imagined. She sobs in total brokenness.

* * *

><p>"Javi, you are <em>way<em> out of line."

Her voice is low and shaky as she stares at the rifle that almost ended her life.

She didn't mean to call him by his first name, it just came out. This terrifying intervention is done by her friend, true and loyal, just as he has been for years now; not by a fellow cop behind a shield. He's just Javi, trying to help her. And he's right.

All this - it's part of her. She can accept that. She can make it into a strength. Just as her mother's death molded her, her near-death can shape her, too. How is completely up to her.

She starts to believe that it can truly give her an edge when her pain helps her figure out the shooter has an injury of some sort and they identify who he is. She has a gun strapped to her leg, but she's dropped her gun and isn't wearing a vest. She could try to pull her holstered weapon and hope he doesn't fire first. She could try and jump him and fight him and take him down.

But she sits there.

Unguarded. Exposed.

Then she shows him her scar and admits to being just as damaged as he is. That they have so much in common.

The implication of her words doesn't surprise her - she felt the connection and understood how a man could snap when she was looking through the rifle in his sniper's nest.

Yet, again, a sniper almost kills her.

* * *

><p>But her friend saves her.<p>

Her partner accepts her.

Her therapist nudges her.

And she moves forward.

No shield. Just a woman, finally ready to be better.

* * *

><p><em> Please review! They're addictive like having the radio blaring and windows open on a nice day, making the world a better place to be in!<em>


	8. So I was thinking

SO… I WAS THINKING

He was an idiot. She thought he was a shallow, pretentious jerk, for sure. She liked him, though. She knew better, but she couldn't help it. And she rocked that blue dress because she wanted to turn _his_ head. She thought maybe he'd grown up some while he had been shadowing her. She thought she might be willing to give him a chance.

The captain told her she cleaned up nice when she walked into the Heat Wave release party. She knew it already (or at least she thought it), but it was nice to hear it from Montgomery. She knew where Castle was in the room, but she refused to look at him. In her peripheral vision, she could tell he was watching her, and she wouldn't make eye contact. She couldn't. She couldn't. This was a launch party. For a Richard Castle book. About her. She couldn't get all fan-girly where he (not to mention the cameras) could see. Especially when he was looking _that fine_.

He'd left his table and started talking to Paula. But she was oblivious, because Roy had sent her to read the dedication in the book.

So, so far beyond fan-girly; this was damn near euphoric. "To the extraordinary KB, and all my friends at the 12th." She could kiss him. He could end up in her bed without even trying.

"I meant it. You are extraordinary." Oh, he's right there, and she could _really_ kiss him.

Then he had to go and ruin it by talking.

* * *

><p>"Kate, remember the Heat Wave launch?" He held her hand in his as they walked down their beach in the Hamptons.<p>

"Yep." How could she forget? She was willing to go for it with him, but instead he proved himself to be totally out of tune with her and said he was offered a contract to write James Bond. They argued, not a minute after she'd been wanting to kiss him.

"Did you mean it?"

She pursed her lips, weighing her response. "Mean what?"

He knew that she understood the question, so he waited her out.

"The part about not being flattered that you based a character on me? Or that I was okay with you writing Bond?"

"Both."

She didn't answer, just squeezed his hand. Of course she didn't mean those things.

When he couldn't wait anymore, he said, "I meant it."

Her eyes snapped to his. He'd said some spiteful things in that little argument, not as spiteful as her words, though.

"About you being extraordinary."

Oh.

"I was about to ask you out, you know. Then, when I switched to theorizing about the case, and you got angry, I always wondered if you were mad because you thought I was going to ask you out and didn't."

She wanted to say _Duh. _"Why didn't you?" _Because you were oblivious to how much I already cared about you? You didn't have any real interest in me at all back then? You were fine with picking up some bimbo at the party?_

"Because Paula told me to."

"_What?"_

"She stood there looking at you, jealous that she'd only been mentioned in one chapter of one book, and you got a whole book, and I wanted to do more. She was irritated that I wasn't jumping all over the Bond deal because I wasn't ready to give up Nikki."

Kate quit walking and turned to look at him, waiting for what his point was.

He took both of her hands in his.

"She told me to go sleep with you, to get you out of my system, and to move on… And… I went over there to you to ask you out. You were so beautiful, reading the dedication. And I was thinking… that I really did want to sleep with you -" She chuckled. "- but I really didn't want it to be a one-time thing. I didn't want to get you out of my system. I already cared about you."

Kate was floored. This wasn't at all what she'd believed for the years between then and now. If only he'd told her, they could have been the real deal so much sooner.

"But that was a good decision," he continued. "Because I needed to grow up. I needed to become your real partner. We would have hated each other after a while. The sex would have been awesome, though."

She smiled. "You think so?" _It would have been crazy good._

"Don't tell me you weren't already thinking about sleeping with me back then. I know you were. Which is why you got pissed off when I didn't ask you out that night. Right?"

"Maybe," she answered sheepishly.

"Now, aren't you glad we waited so that we wouldn't fizzle out? That we built something better and stronger?"

Kate lifted up on her toes and kissed him fully in response. He was right.

They were definitely better and stronger. Which, of course, made the sex way more awesome.

* * *

><p><em>AN: Please review! Reviews are addictive like homemade butter. That's some scrumptious stuff!_


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